“I have to try harder,” “Not a hundred percent result doesn’t count as a result,” and “I have to be the best” are phrases that often ring in the heads of perfectionists.
What’s wrong with trying to complete a task perfectly? There is certainly nothing wrong with putting in the effort to achieve results. But if the desire to achieve perfect success becomes an obsession, even if it’s a desire to hit a jackpot at a Big Bamboo slot, and possible failure becomes a cause for self-injury, it’s worth wondering if you’re a perfectionist.
Let’s find out what unhealthy perfectionism is and how it affects the quality of life.
The Roots of Perfectionism
The most diligent student in the classroom, the most responsible student in the group, and the most proactive employee in the company are typical patterns of perfectionism. The tendency to perfectionism is often evident as early as kindergarten age.
Perfectionism is the belief that the ideal can and must be achieved. Anything less than absolute (“perfectus” from the Latin for “absolute perfection”) isn’t considered a result and must be destroyed. The perfectionist sets extremely high standards for himself, his work and those around him. The perfectionist has only two poles – unconditional success or resounding failure.
There can be many reasons for the development of unhealthy perfectionism:
- As a child, you were often shamed by parents or relatives, “Study better! You’ll go to the board and all the kids will laugh at the fact that you don’t know anything!”
- You were often compared to others (and then you started doing it yourself).
- You tried long and hard to implement what your parents thought was important, but unfortunately you could not do it yourself.
- You grew up with your perfectionist parents, and fear of failure and the need to do everything perfectly became the norm for you.
- Social pressure (you want to conform to the glossy picture from the Internet and the canons of society).
The dysfunction of the child-parent relationship, when the child received approval and encouragement only on the condition of achieving success/good grades, etc. instead of focusing on the freedom of the child’s personality, his desires and the encouragement of his interests. With a high probability, such orientation to result leads to the fact that already at school age the child ceases to enjoy the process of learning and is focused exclusively on grades. Then comes competition with peers at work, comparison with peers, etc.
It turns out that multiple factors influence the propensity to develop unhealthy perfectionism: heredity, family, cultural, and social factors.
The Stages of Perfectionism
Psychologists distinguish between healthy perfectionism and destructive perfectionism.
Conditionally healthy perfectionism helps set adequate goals and objectively assess one’s abilities. A person who uses healthy perfectionism knows how to enjoy the process of work, has a high level of motivation, which often captivates others. It’s a question of doing one’s work well enough and not blaming oneself if failure suddenly befalls.
Destructive perfectionism is the exact opposite of healthy perfectionism. A person with destructive perfectionism does not enjoy doing things, cannot set goals that are within their capabilities, and cannot adequately assess their abilities and the results of their work. He lives in perpetual dissatisfaction and with a never-ending sense of his own inadequacy.
The division of perfectionism into stages is conditional, but it helps you understand whether you have gone too far in your quest for the best.
Stage One
The desire to do everything in the best possible way. You can spend your whole life in this stage and even use it as a kind of motivational system to achieve success in your career or sports. This perfectionism is often spoken of with pride, as many people see it as a positive trait, especially in work.
Stage Two
Here perfectionism becomes patho-perfectionism, i.e., it becomes a neurasthenic form in which the desire for perfection extends to all areas of life.
If the perfectionist fails to achieve an ideal result, he or she begins to feel pain and suffering. He is anxious if there is a threat to accomplish the task in the best possible way: irritation, anxiety and fear will be present even if nothing has happened. From this the strength to achieve the goals becomes considerably less.
A person who does not suffer from destructive perfectionism, having failed, is likely to ask himself or herself “Why didn’t I succeed?”, “What do I need to do for a satisfactory result next time?”, “What resources are needed and where to get them?” The person will support themselves and make a new attempt with renewed vigor. Unhealthy perfectionism will make a person blaspheme himself for failing. Even the fact that, apart from the perfectionist’s own efforts, external circumstances influence the result, doesn’t reduce the oppression of patho-perfectionism.
Where Perfectionism Can Manifest Itself
The area of life where perfectionism is most likely to manifest itself is, of course, work. The constant desire to bring one’s work to perfection, picking on even the tiniest nuances, the perpetual dissatisfaction with the result are just a few of the problems that unhealthy perfectionism causes.
Employees often can’t stand it and leave. He is also convinced that he supervises the inept, so he takes on the work of three people instead of delegating it.
But perfectionism isn’t the only thing that can poison your relationship with work.
Perfectionists find it terribly difficult to accept that the world and people around them are imperfect. They believe they know how to live “right. Because of this, perfectionists find it difficult to build relationships and families. After all, they often don’t build a relationship by getting to know their partner and going through difficulties with them. A perfectionist will build a relationship like a soldier in the army – endlessly mushing and “remaking” his partner to the perfect version.
Constant experiences with a “minus” sign deplete the nervous system perfectionists. They often go to psychologists with the problem of increased anxiety, panic attacks and addictions.
The addictions that perfectionists often have are a consequence of avoiding reality. They are not perfect in reality, and neither is the world; escaping into an addiction-altered world seems to be the solution.
Destructive perfectionism provokes a sense of inferiority and a fear of vulnerability. With such a “set” it’s difficult to build a healthy relationship with a partner.
Fear of not achieving the best result often generates procrastination. The psyche does not want to face the difficult experiences that overwhelm the perfectionist in the event of failure, and procrastination kicks in. The “all or nothing” attitude sooner or later leads to complete paralysis of will and demotivation, even if you plan to do something that will bring pleasure (for example, dancing or learning a foreign language).
Perfectionists are so afraid that their imperfection will be discovered and their flawless image will be destroyed that they often hide their mistakes (e.g., in their work) or refuse to act at all. And they are afraid to share what worries them: “My problems are too insignificant” or “I can’t have problems, I shouldn’t have problems.” In this way the perfectionist deprives himself or herself of closeness and support, condemning to alienation and loneliness.